It's been two years since I have updated this blog, busy is now my middle name and a lot has happened. This will be one of those super long posts but I am okay with it. I remind myself that I am doing this so that one day my kids can read this when they are older. So as is life we have good times and we have bad times, the last two months have been rough. Alex was diagnosed with colon cancer two years ago and unfortunately he passed away Aug 14, 2019 a day before my Links 4th birthday. Life has been so different with him being gone, we had his services last weekend and it was so hard to hear what people shared about him. We all love Alex and miss him so much but I know that he is in a better place with no pain. Monica has been as you can imagine in so much agony over losing her son. I try to be there for her as much as I can but she usually tries to just hold it all in, she gets that from her Mama, I wish I could just hug her and take all her pain away. We have Alex's picture right by our front door so he is the first person we see when we come in and the last when we leave. It gives me some peace to see him everyday. I am trying to also go back to my normal life and sometimes it seems like I am okay and then it's back to this feeling of disbelief and heartache knowing he's not physically here with us. I will never hear his sweet voice or see his sweet face. I remember when Monica was pregnant with him, her favorite thing to eat was fries from a hamburger place by our house in Huntington Park. How I wish we could go back to those easier days. I feel like this has changed my life so much, I can't go back to the happy me and even though we were not as close as our families were when we first moved up here I feel a hole in my heart and life with him being gone, I think that has to do with losing him and kind of our life along with it. How can we go on like everything is okay when we know it's not. Gatherings with Monica are not the same, they are filled with discussions of him and what not so great things we are doing to try to alleviate the pain. Shopping for things we don't need eating way to much crap you name it we are doing it. Sleeping pills have been a staple during this time as well. Something I have never taken before. Don't worry we are not abusing those things but... they are greatly appreciated. I am constantly all over the place like I can't get my mind to concentrate at all. My brain is always clouded with all the million things I need to do or should do or can do. To say we miss Alex desperately is an understatement, how I wish to hear his voice again and see his smile.
Before his passing I had the amazing idea to join the boys football league as an Athletic Director, AD for short. That has been a blessing and a curse all at the same time. It keeps me busy or busier than I have ever been. Again a blessing because I don't have a lot of time to spend thinking and yet a curse because I haven't been able to come to terms with his passing because I haven't had time to grieve. It's pretty cool being an AD though I get to be on the field with the boys. I am helping with Julian's Micro team. They are playing for the Apple Valley Rebels, this is their second year playing tackle football with them. Julian has been super struggling this year, it's hard to see because I know he loves the sport so I am not sure why he is constantly complaining about it. Damian is on Jr. Pewee division and this will be Jacob's last year as a Jr Micro level. So yes three different divisions so three different times and two locations possible three, yes I am crazy. Today was their first game I was up at 5am and we had to leave by 5:45 to head to Jacob's game in Victorville, he has a 6:30 check in time for all games. we stayed there until 8:20 then headed to Apple High for Julian then Jacobs game.
Lincoln started preschool, I can't believe it. Mason and him are in class together just for this year and then next year Mason will be in Kindergarten. My babies are getting bigger. Damian is officially in middle school, 6th grade. Julian is in 4th and Jacob is in 3rd. They all do really well in school my fish sometimes struggles with reading. I personally think he is just lazy. I know all of my boys are super smart and will do great things. They are all athletic and smart and handsome. I struggle with Jacob and Julian and their attitudes, if I have grey hair at the young age of 36 it is thanks to them. Jacob can be the sweetest kid with a sweet heart but omg does that kid also make me lose my crap. He is so stubborn and hardheaded but who are we kidding they are Ricky's kids lol. Julian is stubborn as well, and does not listen to a word I tell him or Ricky. He says some pretty crazy things at time for example he got in trouble a couple weeks ago and was spanked by Dad and when Ricky tried talking to him about his behavior he said "Thanks for the advice" and stormed out of the room.
As for church life, we have callings. Ricky is the Elders Quorum secretary, Damian is the Deacon's Quorum President and I am the Young Women 2nd Counselor. I love my calling, I thought I would hate it but I love working with the girls and I miss seeing them for mutual on Tuesdays, until football season is over we cant make mutual, it is scheduled for Tuesday's at 7 same time as football. We have not been to church in a couple weeks because first we were spending time with Monica on the weekends to accompany her while Alex was sick and then we have been going there every weekend to help her after his passing just so she is not alone.
Monica is going through such a bad time, My Tia Maru, her mom has Alzheimer's/Dementia. So through this all she is also little by little losing her Mom. That means no support from the most important person in the world for her at a time like this. I hate that this is all happening to her, Monica is such a good person with such a good heart. She has been through so much she doesn't deserve this much heartbreak. I often wonder what is going to become of her. I am so worried about her, like how she will be once everything settles. I know she will never be the same again, I mean how could she right? This world has not been fair to her at all.
Before his passing I had the amazing idea to join the boys football league as an Athletic Director, AD for short. That has been a blessing and a curse all at the same time. It keeps me busy or busier than I have ever been. Again a blessing because I don't have a lot of time to spend thinking and yet a curse because I haven't been able to come to terms with his passing because I haven't had time to grieve. It's pretty cool being an AD though I get to be on the field with the boys. I am helping with Julian's Micro team. They are playing for the Apple Valley Rebels, this is their second year playing tackle football with them. Julian has been super struggling this year, it's hard to see because I know he loves the sport so I am not sure why he is constantly complaining about it. Damian is on Jr. Pewee division and this will be Jacob's last year as a Jr Micro level. So yes three different divisions so three different times and two locations possible three, yes I am crazy. Today was their first game I was up at 5am and we had to leave by 5:45 to head to Jacob's game in Victorville, he has a 6:30 check in time for all games. we stayed there until 8:20 then headed to Apple High for Julian then Jacobs game.
Lincoln started preschool, I can't believe it. Mason and him are in class together just for this year and then next year Mason will be in Kindergarten. My babies are getting bigger. Damian is officially in middle school, 6th grade. Julian is in 4th and Jacob is in 3rd. They all do really well in school my fish sometimes struggles with reading. I personally think he is just lazy. I know all of my boys are super smart and will do great things. They are all athletic and smart and handsome. I struggle with Jacob and Julian and their attitudes, if I have grey hair at the young age of 36 it is thanks to them. Jacob can be the sweetest kid with a sweet heart but omg does that kid also make me lose my crap. He is so stubborn and hardheaded but who are we kidding they are Ricky's kids lol. Julian is stubborn as well, and does not listen to a word I tell him or Ricky. He says some pretty crazy things at time for example he got in trouble a couple weeks ago and was spanked by Dad and when Ricky tried talking to him about his behavior he said "Thanks for the advice" and stormed out of the room.
As for church life, we have callings. Ricky is the Elders Quorum secretary, Damian is the Deacon's Quorum President and I am the Young Women 2nd Counselor. I love my calling, I thought I would hate it but I love working with the girls and I miss seeing them for mutual on Tuesdays, until football season is over we cant make mutual, it is scheduled for Tuesday's at 7 same time as football. We have not been to church in a couple weeks because first we were spending time with Monica on the weekends to accompany her while Alex was sick and then we have been going there every weekend to help her after his passing just so she is not alone.
Monica is going through such a bad time, My Tia Maru, her mom has Alzheimer's/Dementia. So through this all she is also little by little losing her Mom. That means no support from the most important person in the world for her at a time like this. I hate that this is all happening to her, Monica is such a good person with such a good heart. She has been through so much she doesn't deserve this much heartbreak. I often wonder what is going to become of her. I am so worried about her, like how she will be once everything settles. I know she will never be the same again, I mean how could she right? This world has not been fair to her at all.
Comments
Post a Comment