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I did it again

So yes I did it again i totally forgot about my blog, well i guess if i have to be honest i didnt forget what actually happened is a bit different. Ive always thought of myself as a strong person and while there have been many situations in my life that havent been the greatest i felt like i came out better in the end. I wasnt going to allow my past to dictate my future, well that changed drastically. I feel like everything in my past finally caught up to me and i could no longer play the "im good" part.
The last couple months have been hard, really really hard. There have been days when i dont even want to get out of bed but.... with 5 little precious/very active boys that wasnt feasible. So its taken me a lot to get to ok, this time i actually reached out and talked to people about my struggle and i dont think i could have done it without them. I have to say that Ricky was a big help in this whole struggle usually he just stares at me with this blank expression and leaves me feeling like hes judging me or thinking im crazy. this time he actually listened on several occasions and said some things that were of so much value to me. i love him, with all his mistakes and all. I wish he could see himself through my eyes, i love him i think so highly of him and i know he can accomplish so much. He's smart, handsome, thoughtful,funny, sweet and he has this smile and just this way about him that seriously makes me crazy, his eyes are something else too. I will never admit that to him cause he swears he has green eyes (he doesnt) but if i even mention his eyes it will go to his head. So back to the topic at hand, i struggled and am still kind of struggling just not as much. Why is it that we constantly compare ourselves to others? I can never be happy because i always compare myself to this person or that person and how successful/beautiful/skinny/funny/nice..... I can go on for days with all the stuff my brain thinks of. I wish it would shut down, its annoying. Im trying to see something positive in myself as just a human being and then maybe i can work myself to me as a person if that makes any sense, ok let me explain like i can generally say im a good person, and i wish the world was a better place again good person. But i would love to say i know im a good wife/mom/friend. I guess what im trying to say is a me in a more personal way.

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